I miss them. Let's just start there.
I miss everyone I have ever loved and think of them often.
But tonight, I miss the ones who are usually running around light saber fighting or asking me what I think of an outfit. The one who asks me what I thought of a football play or call.
Tonight, I'm alone. The silence was supposed to be welcoming.
Silence is overrated.
Come home.

I am married- have been for almost 11 years now. My marriage has definitely had its ups and downs but I wake up every morning one thing: the guy to the left of me will always be there. He has been there through it all- parents dying, brother in AA, 2 children. He is my man.

Marrying at such young age raised eyebrows and stirred gossip as though I was an 18 year old getting my first tattoo. Truth be told, I did get one at 18- I thoroughly regret that decision and will use the "after 2 kids this is what happens to your yellow rose tat you get on your fleshy hip area just because you can" as justification. My rose looks more like a cabbage....

But I digress.

I love conversations with anyone but especially my husband. He is so witty. So knowledgeable. So full of off-the-wall sayings that I can never recite because I am destined to mess up any common saying. For example, "Chomping at the bit" is regurgitated as "Biting at the chomps" in Nichole World.

Again, I digress.

Being married for so long and out of the game for longer has challenged my relationship advice giving skills to my girlfriends who are stuck in the daily "Should I call/text him first?" , "What did he mean by asking me to send him a picture to dream about tonight?"

Its a cycle with any relationship; Waiting for the call, replaying every candid moment wishing you had played it safe and not purged your real thoughts, getting the call, relieved.

Replay.

Game on.

Problem is that someone loses in that game. Time to re evalute the strategy or change the players.

Getting to the point of this blog....

I could not help but wonder where I would be had I not found Dave...

Thoughts

It's so devastating you can't find it anywhere.  You can't find it outside of a little blurb on CBS. You can't find it anywhere after Reuters publishes it.  Fox has got it. I've got it. Fox had it last night.  This whole Benghazi thing is blown wide open, and nobody's talking about it. Let me give you the overview of this, and then we'll set it aside for just a second.  I want to do a couple things first and we'll come back to it.  But the latest shoe to drop in the Benghazi disaster -- and this, to me, is huge.  It is overwhelmingly huge.  This dwarfs Watergate, weapons of mass destruction, whatever.  I mean, that wasn't even a controversy or a scandal.  This dwarfs Iran-Contra, about which the media spent three solid years trying to take out Ronald Reagan.  The latest shoe to drop in the Benghazi disaster is the news that the State Department was e-mailing about the attack on the consulate and the terrorists who they thought were behind it within two hours, and the e-mails went to the Situation Room of the White House. Obama knew.

Now, the regime's excuse is, well, there's all kinds of stuff coming in there, and it took awhile for it to be sifted.  They tried this excuse when we were told that the CIA station chief had sent an e-mail.  This is the second bit of evidence now that the White House was told practically immediately what was going on and who was behind it.  But the news now is that we have a terror group, Ansar al-Sharia, whatever, claiming credit for it, within two hours.  They were holding up their hands saying: Hey, look over here, it's us.  And, by the way, it isn't a video that has us mad.  Oh, and, by the way, we're just doing this since it's 9/11 and we know we can get away with it 'cause we hate you.

Folks, this is disqualifying to me, and it is being swept under the rug.  You won't find news of this in the New York Times.  You don't find CNN covering it.  You will not find MSNBC covering it.  They are covering this up.  They are burying this.  They're trying to do everything they can to make it look like it isn't any big deal.  The White House had little response, "Well, there's so much stuff coming in here, it's impossible to keep up with."  The State Department was e-mailing within two hours of this attack right to the Situation Room in the White House, and they were telling the White House the terror group they thought was behind it because the terror group was claiming credit, claiming responsibility.

Now, the attack lasted for five hours, a total of seven hours this attack lasted.  Two of the four Americans were killed in the final hours.  There was plenty of time to take action to save some of these people.  And yet I remember Obama in the second debate righteously indignant, (imitating Obama) "Governor Romney, if you think that I would have done nothing, let Americans die, that is offensive."  It's exactly what happened.  It is precisely what happened.  And even if you want to say, "Well, maybe it didn't reach all the way up to Obama."  So?  It reached somebody.  They're sitting in the White House.  You've got to put yourself there.  You're in the White House.  You know what's going on because earlier in the day in Cairo all kinds of hell broke loose after we issued an apology for something that hadn't yet happened.  Then it really breaks loose in Benghazi.

So you know it's 9/11, you're on alert anyway.  You find out what's happening, and you don't do anything.  You're told that there is an attack by a terror group going on in our consulate in Benghazi, and you don't do anything, and you don't pass it on to Obama.  Keep a sharp eye on Hillary Clinton on this, because I will lay you a dollar to a doughnut that whenever this is exposed, she will have covered her tracks, and probably somewhere in a file waiting to be discovered, is that she took every bit of action she could to avenge this and was turned down.  She alerted the White House. She did everything she was supposed to do. She's falling on the sword now, but that's for the campaign.  But she's not gonna take the fall for this.  Bill Clinton and Hillary are not gonna let her take the fall for this.  Somebody's gonna take the fall for this at some point.

Now, the weird thing is, again, I want to point out, these e-mails from the State Department and CIA station chief, there are two sets of e-mails, folks, within two hours of the attack, going to the White House, and in both instances the White House said, "Well, we didn't know. There's so much stuff coming in here." CIA station chief, now the State Department.  Plus they were watching it on a video. We had a drone. They were watching it. There was live video. They knew what was going on.  And you know what weird thing is, these e-mails that were going from the CIA station chief and the e-mails from the State Department the video that was being seen from the drone, these e-mails made no mention of earlier protests.  The e-mails didn't say, "By the way, there was a protest going on out here earlier today and it's gotten out of hand and, oh, my God, all hell's breaking loose."  There was no mention of a protest in the e-mail.

And you know what else?  There was no mention of a video in the e-mails.  The e-mails didn't say, "There's a video out there that's got everybody over here all riled up and it's getting out of control."  There was none of that.  There was no protest. There was no video.  Isn't that weird?  The president of the United States said it was a video six times to the UN, and how many times to the people of this country on the campaign trail?  He flew outta town knowing full well what happened.  He went to bed knowing what happened.  The president of the United States went to bed knowing what happened.  I gotta tell you something quite telling.  I had a conversation with a couple people last night, and by the way, they're solid, they're with us, ideologically, politically.  The story becomes known and we start discussing it, "Why wouldn't Obama do anything?"

I said, "You really want to know?"

"Yeah."

Okay, here's why.  A, we asked the Libyans for permission, and they denied us, so we said, "Okay."  But the second reason we didn't do anything is because Obama was putting politics first, and these people said, "I can't believe that.  I just can't believe it."

"Well, that's your problem because that's exactly what happened."  And I think this is a problem a lot of people have with this story is they just can't believe that the president... it's just like... you may get mad at me for bringing this up but it's worth it, this makes the same point.  Last night Rachel Maddow was on Letterman, and Letterman was feeling betrayed by Obama because Obama lied about Romney and Detroit in the debate, and Letterman was very let down over this.  And Letterman said to Maddow, "But it's the president.  It's the challenger who lies.  The president tells us the truth."

And I said, "Wait.  Did he ever think that about George Bush?"

Did he ever think George Bush, as president, was telling us the truth.

Probably not.

But it goes to this whole notion that people have a view of the presidency that they grant to every occupant: honest, trustworthy, puts America first, would never do anything to harm the country economically or militarily. There's a brick wall they run up against when you tell them -- and I found it out last night when I said Obama had created this impression after getting bin Laden that he had wiped out terrorism.

He had wiped out Al-Qaeda. So what happened couldn't be terrorism. Putting his political concerns first, that's what people couldn't believe. So it's a tough thing to persuade really intelligent people. They do believe it but don't want to. But the president of the United States went to bed in all likelihood knowing what had happened in Benghazi, and then got up the next day and lied.

He lied about it and then proceeded to lie for seven or eight days and sent other members of his regime out to lie, Susan Rice and Jay Carney. In the real world, a real president would be forcing these people to resign if he was not leading the charge. If they had gone out and embarrassed his administration this way, they'd be forced to walk the plank. Remember the Saturday Night Massacre in 1972?

may not remember that. Richard Nixon told the attorney general to fire the special prosecutor looking into Watergate or something like this. Doesn't matter. I don't want to waste time getting into the specifics of it. The point is, the AG refused to do it. Robert Bork did it. Bork was next in line. Bork carried out Nixon's order. I was in Pittsburgh. I will never forget. I was working at the radio station there, KQV.

Everybody went nuts on the following Monday talking about the Saturday Night Massacre and how outrageous Nixon was and how outrageous what he had done was in firing all these people, getting rid of all these people. It was a scandal and so forth. I'm telling you: This dwarfs that. Back in 1972, that was a huge point of controversy; a gross exercise, people thought, of presidential power.

It was the president no longer being the president. It was the president being king. It was the president being dictator and firing people who might turn up dirt on him. Well, here we have President Obama who went to bed knowing what happened and lying about it for seven or eight days thereafter. And, by the way, he continues to, for all intents and purposes. We had troops available to deal with this.

There were troops an hour away in Italy.

The president might be interested in knowing that we have these things called "aircraft carriers." Airplanes land on 'em. What happens is an airplane takes off from an aircraft carrier and goes and attacks our enemies and takes 'em out. Then it comes back, and it lands back on the aircraft carrier. We have all those things. Yeah, we have Marines! They still use bayonets and we still have horseback soldiers and so forth.

That happened in Afghanistan. The president may not have been aware that he had aircraft carriers in the region that planes land on and take off from and they go out and complete missions and they come back and they land. And we got these things they call submarines. They go under the water so the bad guys can't see 'em. They're in the region, too. We got some naval assets in that region that could have been used.

They could have been authorized to take action to save the lives of Americans. Remember: Four dead in a seven-hour attack, two of them died in the final hours. This government made not one move, with full knowledge of what was going on, to protect those Americans. We had hundreds of people watching in real time, folks, as 30 Americans were being attacked for seven hours.

Nobody rode to their rescue.

It's just maddening. And to have the story basically ignored and covered up today is evidence to me of just how devastating it is. I think the regime is barely holding its campaign together. I think this campaign is leaking. Imagine a dike with all the holes in it, and the holes are the states, and the regime has got people plugging the holes with fingers and doing everything they can to stop the flow.

I think they're very close here to being swept away by a tidal wave. I think everybody involved knows it. That's why they're relying on dirt. All they got, by the way, is for Chicago to start throwing the dirt. So, "Hello, Gloria Allred!" and all of this typical smearing. You know, Obama has an MO, a modus operandi. Go in and find sealed court records involving your opponent.

Somehow miraculously get them released to embarrass your opponent. That's how he won two elections in Illinois for state senator and United States senator. So there's that. That was 6:07 p.m., the relevant hour in Benghazi and in Libya when the knowledge was available of what was going on. But at no time was there a protest that got out of control. At no time and in no way was a video involved.

This was a preplanned terrorist attack. Again, within two hours of it a group -- a terrorist group -- was claiming credit for it. The CIA station chief sent an e-mail directly to the White House Situation Room (and the State Department did, too) while they're watching it in real time, on video. This administration knows full well what happened. I guess they're trying to give the president plausible deniability by saying:

"Well, there's so many e-mails coming in from so many outposts all over the world. It's impossible to sift through these things immediately and inform the president." They're trying to establish plausible deniability or ignorance. "He couldn't have known!" Somebody did, and whoever knew either didn't think it was that big a deal or is lying through their teeth. There are only two explanations for this, folks.

I want to tell you right now, there are only two explanations for this entire sordid affair. One is gross, unbelievable, incalculable incompetence. Two is sheer, bald-faced lying. Those are the only two explanations for what happened here and what didn't happen. Gross, corrupt incompetence or abject lying. What we're watching here today is the equivalent of Woodward and Bernstein helping Nixon cover up Watergate. That is what is happening today with this story.

The mainstream media is Woodward and Bernstein.

Watergate is Benghazi.Except this time, Woodward and Bernstein are helping Nixon cover it up.

Now, why are the media behaving as though they're Woodward and Bernstein helping Nixon in his cover-up? 'Cause that's what's going on here! The media, think of them as Woodward and Bernstein, think of this Benghazi story as Watergate, and they're helping Nixon cover it up. Why? Like I told you: I think they're barely holding things together. I think it's all started to unravel at a rapid rate for the White House.

And I think they're having trouble keeping up with it.

And nobody -- nobody -- wants to take the fall for this. Hillary doesn't want to take the fall. This is a disaster, folks! This was not necessary now. At least two lives could have been saved. The last two people died well into this seven-hour attack. There was no effort made to save or defend or to protect any of the 30 people that were there, and nobody wants to take the fall for this.

Hillary doesn't want to take the fall for it.

Obama clearly doesn't.

Nobody else in this White House wants to take the fall for this.

Especially -- especially -- if Obama loses the election. In fact, that's why I think we know about this. You know, CBS first had this, Sharyl Attkisson. Somebody leaked these e-mails to her from the regime, and then Reuters got 'em. And Reuters ran a story that you and I would write about this. In a random act of journalism, Reuters unbelievably tells the truth about this. Somebody inside the White House, somebody in the regime is protecting themselves and getting this stuff out there now, 'cause there's a lot of people are not gonna take the fall for this, especially if Obama loses.

 CNN is now reporting this story, and they're talking to some reporter from TIME Magazine over there, and I just caught a little bit of it.  The TIME Magazine reporter said there was no protest.  He made a point to say there was no protest.  Of course there wasn't.  There wasn't a protest.  He also detailed the weapons, AK-47s, RPGs, rocket-propelled grenades.  Everybody knows, folks, everybody knows exactly what happened here.  Everybody knows the White House and President Obama covered this up. Everybody knows he's lying about it being a video and a protest. Everybody knows that Jay Carney's lying, they just say, "Well, it's too close to the election. There's so many other stories we have to cover. We really can't get into this," but it is going to trickle out, and it is going to become widely known and it is devastating, and, as I say, the only two explanations, gross, corrupt, malfeasance, incompetence, or lying.  Full-fledged, coordinated, strategic lying.

- Make sense? This was actually a transcript from Rush Limbaugh today...

Manly Men

Watched "Contraband" tonight; not a particularly great movie but definitely one of the better ones I have seen in a while. Sure we had it figured out before the intro was over .Sure, only the good guys survived effotlessly all major confontations. And yes, the heroe's wife was impossibly beautiful even as she lay dying wrapped in a plastic sheet being covered by concrete. (the mere thought of that scene is forcing me to inhale deeply as my chlosterphobia is setting in. Breathe.)

Okay, so it should be classified as a movie I have recently scene.However, there was one scene that I cannot get out of my mind because of its application to real life men and my assumption that although there are men of all types and women who are attracted to these types - tall, short, metro, country, nerdy, blue-collar, etc- we can ALL agree that there is nothing more attractive than a man who can fight. I am talking sheer man-strength of shattering a window with his elbow, pulling a villain out of that window, head-butting him, and throwing the most perfect left hook to a face that you have come to hate- all in a girls defense.

Rewind to sometime before I was married.Hanging out at my apartment with some girlfriends one Saturday night, I get a call from my boyfriend asking if I could pick him up from "The Warehouse" as he did not have his truck. "Of course." I say and hop into my maroon Explorer with Nikki for what should be a 30 minute round-trip.My package is picked up and we are driving south on IH35 when I realize that my exit is quickly approaching. I speed past the little car in the right lane, put on my blinker and proceed to switch lanes. It was a perfect lane switch, one you may see in a student driving video even.

Well, little car man did not think so....Lights are flashing, horn is honking all the way down the feeder road clear onto Slaughter Lane. I am doing my best to ignore it as I was not feeling as though I wanted to die that night. He speeds up, passes me, and throws out a lovely gesture.

"Whew." I think.

And then, suddenly, he throws on his brakes nearly causing me to rear-end him.We are stopped behind this little angry road-raged man sitting in confusion.And then the 40 something man gets out. Colorful words and gestures are being strewn into an otherwise bleak night.

Just as I try to put the car in reverse and zoom off, he approaches my window calling me names that you would see written in a truckstop restroom next to a glory-hole.

And out goes my boyfriend from the passenger side.Now my heart is racing. Nikki and I are in the car crying hysterically and yelling, "Get back in!. Lets go! Walk away!" After all, we are girls and that is really all we know how to do. (I was actually in a fight once. To be honest, it was more like me being pulled down by my ponytail, thrown into the mud, and kicked by an old white trash woman in Lockhart because she thought I was flirting with her toothless ex-husband. Winning.)As most verbal fights do, this one turned physical. But not for long. I can see it all in slow-motion as it is forever imprinted in my mind.....My hero dodged a jab and then threw the most beautiful right hook I had ever seen followed by an equally beautiful left.

There lay the crazy guy in the middle of Slaughter Lane.Now sets in another panic with Nikki and me."Oh my God! Do we need to trace his body with chalk? Do we even have chalk? Tape? We need crime scene tape! Why do we not have that either??? Are we going to jail? Should we put something soft under his head?"Again, we are girls...

Crazy guy comes to and tries to get up to start fighting again but is quickly restrained by the same guy who just waylaid him.A few moments later the police show up. They search the now hand-cuffed guys car and find empty beer cans along with hypodermic needles and all the other contraband you would expect to find.

After a few laughs and handshakes with Austin's finest, we resume our journey home."Man, my right hand hurts." he says.

"You are so much sexier than you were this morning.", I say.

What happened to my hero?

I married him.

The Not Bucket List

Do you have a bucket list? I do. It is pretty long and I know that over half of the items will never be crossed off. The reality of that is a little discouraging. Therefore, I decided to create a list of things I NEVER want to do, thus eliminating the need to scratch through each one by one, questioning my self-worth. I feel so accomplished already!

1.) Underwater deep cave exploration. (Fear of fish and tiny crevices....)

2.) Plan a vacation to Afghanistan, Iran, or Iraq. (unless there was a really great deal on Orbitz- actually I think it would be smarter financially to just buy a one way ticket.)

3.) Meet president obama. (there is no way I could keep a straight face. Or my mouth shut for that matter. If you dont have anything nice to say, dont meet the president.)

4.) Run for any office. (Is there such thing as a happy elected official?)

5.) Pet a monkey. (Outbreak)

6.) Pet a bird. (especially the ones that hang out at Shady Grove)

7.) Own a cat. (bi-polar felines)

8.) Watch a full episode of Jersey Shore. (I am proud to say that I have NO idea who anyone is on that show.)

9.) Eat mountain oysters. (not even on a dare)

10.) Rent/Own a smart-car. (smart, certain death)

12.) Be married to a longhorn. (to each their own, but not for me.)

13.) Gold-fronts (would require a name change with the prefix "Sha". i.e, Sha-chole)

14.) Dress my dog like a person (or attach an "I heart my Labrador" sticker on my car)

15.) Make giblet gravy (bi-product soup)

16.) Walk in on Chumley from Pawn Stars making little Chumleys. (self-explanatory)

17.) Not let the people I love and care about how much I do so every chance I get either through words or actions. (you know who you are.)

18.) Be a judge on Iron Chef. (good chance I would have to cross off #9 on this list if I were.)

19.) Forget the past.

20.) Assume there is a tomorrow.

That Leaf.

My family owns land in Lampasas, Texas- not too much land but enough to appreciate the beauty and isolation of God's country.

I start my adventure by walking down the fence line. I love fence lines because I love thinking about how such boundaries were settled upon by land-owners. Was there a feud? Inherited? "20 acres and a mule"? The fence posts are generally very, very old as well; cut and staked in a time before modern conveniences of electric chainsaws, augers, and a Polaris to transport. Real men. with red necks, work ethic, and resolve.
The fence line brought me to this..... A water gap. I sat and listened to the water trickle down, watching a leaf float the current from the neighbors land through the water gap and into our land. My leaf now, if only for a while, as it continues its journey to the next water gap/fence line. How long had it been floating aimlessly? one year? 14 years? I felt compelled to grab it and hold onto it as if it were something I knew I would regret letting go of. There was nothing particularly special about that leaf but I needed to have it. How many people had held that leaf and then carelessly dropped it I wondered?

Naturally, it floated to the middle of the creek and was gone.
I followed downstream for a bit, ducking under mesquite (ouch!), jumping over cactus (double ouch!!), and dodging deer droppings. (Speaking of deer, I really want one. We owned exotic deer, as well as a buffalo, at one point in my crazy life but I want a domesticated deer. One that will drink out of a water bowl and escort me on my runs. Maybe I just need a Mastiff.)

The water was green but clear. If it were July I just may have stripped down to my non-matching skimpies and cooled off but being that it was 59 degrees and windy, I admired from the banks. Rounding the bend, I came to this spot.

I have never been so overwhelmed by nature in my life. I sat where I stood, looking up at the towering trees imagining baby birds being gently lulled to sleep in nests by the sway of a breeze. The sounds of complete isolation are spellbinding. The water continued its gentle roll and I saw that leaf again but couldnt quite reach it without risking getting wet.

My fingers unknowingly began sweeping the decaying leaves and rocks beneath them and I wondered if I was and will always be the only person to touch this very spot? Virgin land.

My eyes welled up as every emotion I had been feeling last week was being absorbed out of me by my surroundings like a sponge to water. Fear, love, uncertainty, faith, confusion - it was all there. I imagine if emotions had color, that sponge would look like a Monet.

In perfect timing, a dove flew through the hollow, landing effortlessly on an oak branch above me. She cooed a bit and was soon accompanied by her mate and I wondered for a second if animals have the same feelings as people? Was this little girl dove in "love"? Did her stomach twist in knots as she awaited his arrival? Did she get fluttery "butterflies" in her stomach upon just merely seeing him? Would they always love eachother and find their way back to eachother as they aged?
The pair flew off together as I snapped a quick picture of my Heaven on Earth and wiped away the tears- realizing after looking at my hands that I was not wearing water-proof mascara. Perfectly fitting to look like a raccoon out here. And then I almost stepped on one. A dead one.

A few careful steps around the ill-fated rodent, I came to a sheer cliff decorated by roots of trees hanging on for dear life against the power of mother natures strongest force. Water erosion. Their lifeline exposed to the elements yet they still thrive, adapting to their conditions. People are much like this, I suppose. We are dealt so many hands and have no choice but to adapt and continue to live because the alternate choice is not ours to make. Me, I have been dealt what most people could not dream of by the tender age of 30 but have adapted and made lemonade: married to my best friend, happy family, wonderful extended family, supportive friends, the ability to look at a no hope negative situation and be optimistic. My roots are exposed but shielded by the people I love and let love me.
And there is that leaf again, waiting for me to continue walking so it can find a place to meet, fatefully.
The brush is starting to get thick so I can either go back the way I came or find a way through it. In true Nichole fashion, I choose the path of most resistance- my arms, legs, and cheek have the scrapes to prove so.

The thicket opens up to a beautiful open creek. Only problem is that I HAVE to get to the other side. Ah, a stepping stone. Seems like there's always one of those to help you along your way. Think about it. In any life-altering situation- an ultimate career goal, a break-up, etc., there are people or experiences (stepping stones) to help you to the other side.
I hop over it and am now on flat, familiar, safe ground. (But not before nearly mistaking an overturned turtle shell as another stepping stone. Poor fella.)
From here, all things turn back to black and white, much like Dorothy's return to Kansas. I find the quickest escape route and return to reality...
With a grassy green leaf in my pocket...